Posted By • September 15th, 2016


This past Saturday I visited my favorite gay bar, where I went in and headed to my favorite booth in the back. Unfortunately, I saw the booth was already occupied, but despite this unforeseen setback, I had a most rewarding experience, which I will tell you about.
Already ensconced in the booth was a fluorescent pink unicorn! Somewhat smaller than a proper “horse,” but larger than a mere pony, the animal was as colorful as she was exotic. (Yes, I looked around quickly and verified it was a filly.)
She was, as I say, bright pink in color, and she had a long and lovely jet-black mane and tail. The irises of her eyes were a vivid green, and her lashes were lush and coquettish. And I must not forget the single ivory-colored horn that graced her forehead, an embellishment which I soon learned contributed materially to her frequent, compulsive efforts to seek out others of her kind who are likewise blessed with an urgent and irresistible urge to propagate the species (the species, in this case, being “Unicornicus slutti”).
I walked up to the booth and prepared to introduce myself, but I was momentarily distracted by the half-dozen or so posters tacked up on the wall around the booth. Each showed a flattering head-and-forelegs photo of the very unicorn who stood before me, and each poster bore the words “VOTE FOR SASSY PANTS!” Thus, I ventured to introduce myself, “Hi, my name is Holly. You must be Sassy Pants.”
We were soon deep in conversation, and though I will not be able to repeat everything we discussed, I can tell you we quickly got to know one another quite well. I found her to be cheerful, pleasant and engaging, and in only a short time I began to think of her as a friend. Then being prompted by the posters which surrounded us, I asked her to explain. Here is what she said:
“Oh, I will be happy to tell you about my campaign!” she enthused. “As you can see… I’m running for Pope!” (I must have looked shocked, because she rushed to elaborate.) “The fact is, the current Pope is 79 years old, and – without being too ghoulish about it – we cannot expect him to go on being Pope for too awfully much longer. At some point they will need to elect a new Pope, and I have decided to throw my hat in the ring! And by starting my campaign early, I hope to get everyone used to the idea of me – a big pink unicorn – serving as Pope!”
“Here in this country, black people have for many years been an important voting group in the Democratic Party, so finally, a representative of that minority was chosen as the party’s Presidential candidate – and he won! The same thing applies to me: If they are only going to choose the new Pope from the same small group of rigid, ultra-conservative old men, they will just keep getting the same sort of Pope they always get. Whereas if I – a unicorn – run for that office, we unicorns will (before long, I hope) be considered fully-qualified to serve, and at some point in the future a unicorn will be elected Pope!”
“When that happens – and if I am the one elected – you can be sure that all members of the LGBTU community will finally be granted full equality in the Catholic Church. It just seems…the way things are going now, a unicorn will be elected Pope before an ordinary “woman” is even allowed to serve as a priest. Why this is I cannot understand, but then there are a lot of things about the Catholic Church that my poor little unicorn-brain cannot figure out.”
“For example, we know every new Pope is elected from that small group of Cardinals – every one of them male, and every one of whom is supposed to be both “straight” and “celibate.” But who really checks on this? The current Pope even said there is a large and influential minority of church officials who are gay. So when you think about it, it wouldn’t be impossible for one of those gay Cardinals to be elected Pope. (Maybe they already had one, but we just don’t know.)”
“So how is it that a gay man – who Church Doctrine says is not allowed to receive Communion, or become a priest, or celebrate Mass – could be elected Pope (!) while all those people who were born with a uterus (“women”) cannot hold any sort of office in the Church – no matter how loving and forgiving they may be?”
At that, Sassy Pants indicated she needed to go to the Ladies Room and so rushed off in that direction. (To be continued)