Sassy Pants finished her oration, then looked around the room for confirmation that her speech had had its desired effect. Indeed, I saw expressions of anger on the faces of the other patrons, they having been equally moved to righteous indignation by her words. Then, from out of the crowd there emerged a most amazing sight!
It was another pink unicorn! This one was larger than Sassy Pants, and showed himself a prime example of rugged masculinity (thereby proving that it is indeed possible to be both “virile” and “pink” at the same time). His face reflected a most appealing combination of “square jaw” and “commanding profile” joined together with “dreamy blue eyes.” He walked up to us and spoke.
“Hello, Sassy… who’s your cute friend?” (My heart skipped a beat!) “This is Miss Holly,” she responded, then turning to me she completed the introduction, “Holly, this is my cousin, Victor.” “Delighted to meet you,” he offered (and once more some part of me melted). Sassy Pants continued, “I have been telling Holly about my campaign, but I have not yet told her what purpose “Unicorns” serve in this world. Perhaps you could do the honor?”
Victor drew closer to me and began his explanation. “You see, Holly, we unicorns occupy a most unusual place in the world. It is often said of us that we symbolize ‘purity’ and ‘innocence’ and ‘virtue.’ But that is only partly true. By which I mean, though we may be said to ‘symbolize’ these things, our greater task is to strive at all times to practice those virtues. ‘Symbolism’ is a poor substitute for ‘the real thing,’ and we learned long ago that honest ‘striving for virtue’ is at all times preferable to any game of ‘Let’s Pretend.’”
“Thus, committed as we are to honest virtue, you can easily understand that it is only with great difficulty that we control our anger when we see the ‘deceit, denial and deception’ which are so often met with in the world. We have no patience for such things! We see all too many innocent souls led astray by such deceptive schemes, and thus we have made it our mission to shield the weak, the confused and the easily misled from such malevolence.”
“This is the reason we have joined with you (gladly numbering ourselves among your community); adding our ‘U’ to your “LGBT’ in tribute to your bravery – and proudly raising the banner ‘LGBTU!’ So you see why it is that Sassy has taken on this quest to be elected Pope: That thereby the source of so much falsehood in the world might be reformed.”
“Let me give you an example,” he helpfully expressed, turning a charming and affectionate smile in my direction. “You know that in the Catholic Church, gay men and women are not permitted to attend Mass or receive the Sacraments. So, if you are a gay man, you will be turned away at the door. But, did you know that if you – a gay man – were to go up to the priest before the Mass and give him your heartfelt assurance that you have never, ever had intimate relations with another man, that priest will make an exception! Yes! He will offer you the Sacraments.”
“That priest will make an exception for you, because – although you describe yourself as ‘gay’ – nevertheless you have shown yourself willing to play a game of ‘Let’s Pretend’ (to the priest, to yourself, or to both) that you have never committed that infamous ‘gay sin.’ Now, there are those who see this ‘exception’ as something desirable; reflecting some ‘flexibility’ on the part of Church Doctrine. But that is not the case.”
“Suppose I were to say to you, ‘I’m an expert skydiver.’ You would conclude that I have, on multiple occasions, strapped on a parachute and boldly stepped out of an airplane. But then I correct you, ‘No, I’ve never done that…not even once.’”
“You would immediately recognize my statement for what it is: A sad and transparent example of hypocrisy; a bit of empty play-acting that fools no one. And in the Catholic Church, we observe, the title ‘expert skydiver’ is easily replaced with ‘Righteous,’ ‘Saved’ and ‘Sins Forgiven’ if we but play a game of ‘Let’s Pretend.’”
I decided I would get up and go to the Ladies Room, but as I brushed past Victor I could not resist temptation: I reached out with my hand and tenderly stroked his powerful ivory horn, then impulsively bent over and planted a kiss behind his ear! As I walked toward the back, I noticed I was being followed… Then, when I got to the Men’s Room I turned in there, and in seconds I realized I was not alone! (To be continued)