Posted By • May 22nd, 2016

No wait. I said that wrong. What I meant was: In 2016, transgender men and women will elect the President. Yea. That’s closer to the truth. Here is how it will happen.

There are two national parties – the Blue Party and the Red Party. Now, most transgender folks will vote for the candidate of the Blue Party, but what about the Red Party? Well, if that candidate wins, he will owe his victory to us. Here’s how:

Every four years, when the Red Party starts the process of choosing its candidate, they start that process in… that diverse and cosmopolitan state… that state with a widely diversified economy (growing both “corn” and “more corn”)… that state having a diverse electorate made up of “conservative Christians” (at the one extreme) and “even more conservative Christians” (in the middle) and then – all the way out at the other extreme – “Full-Gospel, Bible-Thumping, Speaking-in-Tongues conservative Christians.” Yes. Iowa.

So the Red Party – knowing full well it’s one of only two national parties – every election cycle starts out its nominating process in a state which is as different as it could possibly be from the great majority of the other states. This way, the Red Party guarantees that when their prospective candidates travel to Iowa to seek supporters, they will have no choice but to tailor their “message” to voters who are vastly more conservation than the great majority of voters throughout the rest of the country.

We saw this happen in 2008, when Mike Huckabee – who served for more than ten years as a pastor in a Baptist Church – came in second to the eventual nominee, John McCain. And now he’s a regular Fox News bloviator.

Skipping over The Donald (who no one not under the influence of powerful hallucinogenic drugs could have predicted), the Red Party was currently toying with Senator Ted Cruz and Governor John Kasich of Ohio. And here, even Kasich – who has never been a friend of LGBT-folk, but who (if left alone) would probably prefer to just ignore-us-to-death – was forced by the Iowa process to take a far more anti-LGBT stance than he otherwise would have.

But Ted Cruz is the one who – if he can just refine his message of bigotry and hate – will ride into the Oval Office on the backs of transgender men and women. He started in Iowa with his anti-LGBT message, but he quickly had to refocus his hatred on the “T.” Everybody knows that same-sex marriage was established by the Supreme Court, and there is nothing Ted can do about it. But for us “T-folk” he can get a lot of mileage – and campaign contributions – claiming that we are a threat to every little girl in America who needs to pee and has to use a public bathroom.

It’s all a lie – but this is politics, and there is little we can do about it.

So 2016 is our turn to offer ourselves up as a sacrifice. This cycle, it’s transgender men and women who will be the boogeyman who the Red candidates will campaign against. But who knows? Next cycle, maybe they’ll go back to picking on LGB-folk, like they usually do.

But one thing I know. They’ll start in Iowa, and they’ll practice and refine their message of bigotry and hatred there, before they roll it out to the rest of the country.

Far be it from their party bosses to see what is happening and pick another state. How about Illinois? It’s got agriculture in the southern part of the state and a big city in the north. Or even Ohio. It’s similar. Lots of Red voters in the south and Blue voters in the north. Either of those states would be a better balance.

But until that happens, we can look forward to being the “whipping boy” of the State of Iowa. But that’s okay. It’s the least we can do to help the Red party select a candidate who so extreme that he is likely to lose all the rest of the States. So I say to all my LGB friends, “You’re welcome. I’m honored to make the sacrifice.”

One final note. While writing this article, I had to look up Ted Cruz on the internet, and I noticed something: His face reminded me of someone from long ago. At first I couldn’t remember who it was, but finally it came to me. He looks just like Snidley Whiplash! (Well, you have to imagine him with a curly mustache.) There’s something about the eyes… and the mouth. Try it.  Look them both up and decide for yourself. And they’re both from Canada! (A coincidence? I think not.)