(I had a dream last night that Donald Trump won the election. Then, he decided to “reach out” to the LGBT community by asking me to give him advice on how his administration should handle certain issues that relate to LGBT men and women.)
To: President-Elect Trump
From: Holly Maholm
Subject: Proposed LGBT Policies for Your Administration
As you requested, I am submitting several proposed new policies you may wish to adopt concerning LGBT-related issues. (I apologize that we had so little time together when we met. I confess I had to pee, and when no one at the White House would let me use any of the bathrooms, I had to leave urgently and go to the gas station across the street.)
Also, I apologize that – in my previous memo to you – I totally failed to understand your preferred approach to LGBT issues. You told me to avoid anything which is “Politically Correct,” and no doubt it was only my limited intelligence (I hope you won’t label me “stupid”) that prevented me from realizing that – to you – “Politically Correct” includes anything set forth in the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, or Statutory Federal Law.
So I re-read that autographed copy of Art of the Deal which you gave me, and I found just the approach I think you will like. There are three LGBT-related problems for which I am going to suggest solutions.
The first is wedding cakes. This country is seeing far too many disputes concerning wedding cakes ordered at Christian bakeries and intended for consumption at same-sex marriage ceremonies. This madness must end!
My proposal is this: Gay men and women should be allowed to order a wedding cake from any bakery they want. However, those bakers – if so moved by the Holy Spirit – should be permitted to decorate that cake with any message of their own choosing.
For example, one cake might read: “Congratulations to Jason and Bruce – They Put “Da Bomb” in “Abomination!” Or another: “Best Wishes to Diane and Natalie for a Lifetime of Wedded Bliss – and an Eternity of Hellfire.” Or even: “What God Hath Joined Together, Let No Man… Wait, Never Mind, You’re Faggots.” A reasonable compromise, I believe.
Next issue: Gay marriage, itself. Again, we see many disputes arising when a gay or lesbian couple comes into a clerk’s office to get a marriage license, and the clerk – a Christian – is convinced that doing her simple little clerical duty will earn her an Eternity of Damnation. I have a solution, and it’s one we Republicans should be familiar with.
Here it is: When a gay couple comes in to get a marriage license, the clerk will help them fill out an application for a license, but it won’t be a license from the state where they live. No, it will be a license to get married under the laws of one of those “tax shelter” countries like Monaco, Bermuda or the Cayman Islands!
That way, the gay couple can have their “marriage,” but it won’t pollute the purity of all those (straight) married couples in states like Kentucky and Tennessee. And who knows, maybe that gay couple will avoid some taxes along the way! Our party has been using this scheme to cheat on taxes for decades – why not use it to cheat gay and lesbian couples in same way?
Final Problem: Transgender women wanting to use the ladies room. I don’t need to review the problem this controversy is causing across the country. So…here’s my solution.
Did you ever go to a fancy restaurant, and they had some snooty rule that “Men Must Wear a Necktie” (if they want to be served)? So then, if you show up at the door without a necktie, they will loan you one to wear while you eat.
Well, I thought about it, and I realized that the men in Muslim countries have found the perfect solution. They force all the women to wear those shapeless, black, head-to-toe coverings (shrouds, really) that completely take away each women’s God-given identity, pride and self-respect. They force women to cover their entire bodies, as if their very existence in this world was something shameful and unclean.
So my plan is this: We do like all those snooty restaurants do. We require bars and restaurants to keep a couple of those black shrouds (they call them “chador”) for use by transgender women (when they want to pee). So all the trannies know, if they want to answer nature’s call, they’ve got to put one on.
I hope my suggestions will meet with your approval, and I stand ready to serve your administration in any way I can (provided you let me use the bathroom).